Batman and Catwoman in Cat-Tales by Chris DeeCat-Tales 27: Secrets

Secrets 
by Chris Dee

Gotham Times, December 8


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Gotham Times, December 8
LIFESTYLES
Hermoine’s Society Chit-Chat
Only one party into the season, it’s far too early to declare a Deb of the Year.  Nevertheless, Miss Cecily Grenville certainly distinguished herself last night, exhibiting poise under pressure that is the hallmark of true character. 
The Snowflake Ball was the scene of an attack by Mr. Freeze [see Local News, p.2].  When costumed vigilantes arrived on the scene, Miss Grenville was taken hostage, and although the dastardly villain was apprehended, Miss Grenville was left with her foot frozen in a block of ice.  Rather than leave in hysterics, Miss Grenville comported herself as a true lady, remaining at her table with her foot soaking in a tub of defrost solution, chatting with her escort, Mr. Timothy Drake…

::Twitterbringgggg::
“Hello?  Yes, Dick, I saw the bit in the paper.  You’re the fourth person to call and ask… No, I’m not in deep shit with Steph.  We’re not exclusive.  We never said we were exclusive…  She patrols with Robin, that’s all.  That’s as far as it goes…  What do you mean ‘I’ll Learn.’  Bro, I’m telling you, it’s not a big deal…”

Gotham Times, December 8
CLASSIFIEDS  
Lost:  At or in the vicinity of Beaton’s Tearoom, a shopping bag containing four small gift-wrapped parcels and a bound manuscript.   Owner does not care about parcels.  Reward for return of manuscript. 

::Twitterbringgggg::
“Wayne Manor…   Yes, Madame, the manuscript is a work of fiction… That is most reassuring.  Thank you very much.   For confirmation purposes, could you read me the title page, please?… Yes, indeed, that’s it…  Yes, a-hem, it is a play… Yes, indeed, I am the playwright… I am most flattered, Madame, but there are no plans for production in the foreseeable future.  I only wish the manuscript returned… Yes, please address it to Pennyworth, P-E-N-N-Y…”

Gotham Times, December 8
LOCAL NEWS  
The show at the Gotham Civic Center, Zatanna: Mistress of Magic, was interrupted last night when the performer vanished from the stage.  According to eyewitnesses, Zatanna became distracted by a disruption in the rear of the auditorium.  She muttered something the witnesses could not understand, then disappeared “in the blink of an eye.”  In what appeared to be a variation of Houdini’s Metamorphosis, a figure draped in black cloth materialized at the same instant on the spot where she had vanished.  The cloth fell, revealing the costumed criminal known as The Riddler bound in handcuffs. 
The audience, assuming this was part of the show, applauded and cheered as the felon ran offstage and escaped via the stage door.

Minutes later, the plucky Zatanna returned to the stage from the back of the auditorium and finished the performance. 
Audience members say they only realized what had occurred when they left the theatre to discover police tape and flashing lights in the parking lot.
Authorities will not confirm that The Batman foiled a robbery of the Civic Center Box Office during the show. 

::Twitterbringgggg:: 
“Hey Selina, it’s Eddie.  Thought you’d want to know, Bats has come up with a new kind of Batcuff, damn thing took me twenty minutes to get out of last night.  Good thing I got away and had plenty of time to work on it.  I figured since you always worked out how to quick-pick all the previous versions, you’ll want to take this new one apart.  You’ve got to see this thing, it’s really hard to open!… Anyway, you’re now officially the only woman left I will keep in touch with - and that’s only because you’re dating Wayne and can’t get any ideas.  Would you believe HARLEY called me after that bit in the paper?  Said she was real concerned about ‘this thing’ with me and Zatanna, that I was on the rebound from Ivy and shouldn’t do anything rash!  Can you believe that!!!   ME on the REBOUND from IVY???  I dumped her!  If you can call it dumping when it was just a one-night stand and a green one at that… and what ‘thing with me and Zatanna,’ huh?  It was a robbery, not a thing.  A robbery is not a thing!   Do we all have to pair up like animals in the ark now?  Can’t anybody just put on a mask and commit a freaking crime anymore?…  This is all your fault, Selina, you and you-know-who, because people in this town used to be able to tell the difference between a crime and
Hello? Selina?  Aw shit.” 

::Twitterbringgggg:: 
“’Allo.  Diz is Kittlemeier.…  Yez, Mr. B.  I been expecting your calls.   A new zet of ze batcuffz, yez, I zee dat in ze papers… A replazement cape too?  Oh my, izzat ze black cloth dat wind up on ze ztage? …  Oh my.   Ok.  Zo batcuffz, and cape.  You pay when you pick up, usual time…”

::Twitterbringgggg:: 
“Don’t hang up!  Okay, I broke a rule.  I take it back.  ‘There is not now nor has there ever been anything between Catwoman and Batman, and anybody who says otherwise in the feline presence will be like unto the ball of yarn.’  OK?  I’ve done penance.  Give me a break, Selina, it was a helluva night. And the very thought of Miss Top Hat and Fishnets as a prospective romance…  Do you know what she did to me?  ‘Tca eht ni thguac,’ how do you like that!  I make up anagrams in my sleep, Selina, you think I didn’t recognize that as ‘caught in the act?’ And then I’m up on the stage—which, okay, it worked out for me, ‘cause I had a little oops with Batman in the box office, and winding up on stage made for an easy getaway, but c’mon, CAUGHT IN THE ACT!  It’s a freakin
pun!  What are we back to Robin I, Punning Punster of Gotham?”

Gotham Times, December 8
PERSONALS  
Successful Gotham entrepreneur with thriving nightclub seeks vivacious female companion.  Birdwatching a plus. 

Gotham Times, December 8
ABOUT TOWN  
Tis the season for every charity in creation to hold a fundraiser, and everyone’s calendar is overcrowded.  But the upcoming gala to benefit the Thomas Wayne Memorial Clinic is worth making time for.  Entertainment includes the Hudson University Choral Singers under the direction of Lori Elton, and Zatanna: Mistress of Magic.  Silent Auction includes many rare and valuable antiques including a Fabergé egg, a collection of vintage Punch and Judy puppets, a pair of cufflinks that once belonged to Rudolph Valentino, an exquisite etching by the Master of Cologne, and an extraordinary artifact of Harry Houdini’s known as the Tome of Secrets.

::Twitterbringgggg:: 
“Morning, Lucius.  It’s Bruce.  I’m juggling the seating at the benefit, need to free up a chair at my table… A friend of Selina’s, he’s very interested in the Houdini Tome, so I thought it would be only polite to, you know, keep a close eye on him, I mean, seat him where he can have a good look at it.  Is it okay if I move Leslie Thompkins to your table?… Good then.  Thanks, Lucius.”

::Twitterbringgggg:: 
“Hello, Edward. This is Bruce Wayne.  I thought I remembered you saying something about that Houdily Book you were interested in… That’s what I said, isn’t it? Houdily…  Oh, right, Houdini, yes, of course.  Anyway, this Houdini doohickey.  It turns out it’s actually a Wayne Foundation event that’s holding this sale… Hm?  Oh, I can never keep track of that.  I have someone who manages the schedule.  Anyway, the Foundation has three tables, so I made sure you’ll be seated with me and Selina… Good, good.  Well then, see you there.”

::Twitterbringgggg:: 
“It’s me, Kitten. Secure the line…  Are we still on for dinner?
  Yes, I am in a better mood; I wasn’t in a bad mood before…  I was not chewing nails… I was not….  Now that’s an exaggeration…. I am going to take him down hard, fast, and painful, but to say I’m ‘royally pissed’ is overstating it…  I did not bite Alfred’s head off…  I did not call Whiskers a demonic little furball… I told Alfred, in a calm and rational tone, not to reposition anything in the costume vault because I’d have the cape replaced by Tuesday, and I made passing reference to the fate of the last cape… Yes, the last cape, the destruction of which your demonic little furball reveled in with wanton glee… I am not…  So dinner’s off?  Oh, heh.  Well that’s a thought… Okay, roof of the Moxton Building, midnight… Yeah.  Meow.”

Gotham Times, December 8
VICTORIA’S SECRET CIRCULAR  
Ho Ho Ho
Make his Ho-Ho-Holidays Merry with our stunning collection of intimate apparel in reds as red as holly, and blacks as black as coal left in bad little girl’s stockings. 

::Twitterbringgggg:: 
“Ha-Ha-Hiya, I mean, eh, hello. This is Dr. Harleen Quinzel, I would like to speak to one of your patients, a Ms. Pamela Isley… Ha-Ha-Hiya, Red!  I was just thinkin’, since you’re up at Arkham and Puddin’ is up at Arkham, could you maybe talk to him and see what he might like for Christmas?… But Red!…  Red, I don’t know what to get him!… Well there’s this ad in the paper, but I don’t think he’d like prancing around in red silk lingerie…  Red? You still there?  There was hacking sound…  Well, if you won’t help me, I’ll have ta fall back on a theme gift, there are these Punch ‘n’ Judy puppets… Red? Red?  What’s so funny?

To be continued…


 

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