Batman Black Friday Protocol

Black Friday Shopping Protocol
Alpha 1

BF-minus 24
Consult League records to ascertain current activities of Minerva, Barbara aka ‘Cheetah’ and recalibrate auto downloads to accidentally retrieve raw footage of Big Cat Diary new season from Discovery Channel mainframe in course of this search.

BF-minus 12
Enjoy Thanksgiving dinner, taking note not to overindulge in carbs as energy dropoff during BF initiation could be disastrous.
Note any hints dropped by diners in conversation, with the following exceptions
Sub-1: Regardless of hints, do not get Dick and/or Tim anything that shoots projectiles. (Cross Ref. Christmas 2004, NERF, Ming vase)
Sub-1a: Do not let Dick and/or Tim get anyone else the aforementioned items. (Cross Ref. Batgirl, Christmas 2005, NERF, Tiffany lamp)
Sub-1b: Do not get anything/let Dick and/or Tim get anything that Dick and/or Tim can bet Cassie she can’t use as a projectile. (Cross Ref. Batgirl, Christmas 2006, Lalique vase)
Sub-2: Regardless of hints, do not get Selina anything resembling a ‘theme’ gift (cats, lions, tigers, etc)
Sub-2a: Purple does not count as theme
Sub-2b: Gifts for cats themselves, domestic or feral (Whiskers, Nutmeg, Nirvana, etc) do not count as theme but also
Sub-2c: do not count as gift for Selina

BF-minus 0:30
Consult satellite photos of morning traffic in the vicinity of Bergdorf Goodman, Bloomingdales, Barneys, Lord & Taylor and Macys to determine relative crowds to be expected at each.
Retrieve auto downloads of Big Cat Diary
Text message Lois about whatever kitchen gizmo Clark wants this year.

BF-Initiation and Phase 1
Dispatch Alfred in the Bentley as decoy to department store experiencing highest traffic volume.
While Alfred is so occupied, stop into Harriman’s Gourmet Pantry and consult Harriman, Ernest B. about Alfred’s personal preferences. Purchase locally if feasible, else telephone personal shopper in London.
Casually mention to Selina the lengthy Big Cat footage accidentally downloaded by auto-software while researching Cheetah. While Selina is thus occupied, go into her closet and ascertain the actual sizes on her garments.
Rendezvous with Alfred at crowded department store for the obligatory "Bruce Wayne goes shopping" appearance. Walk into store, perform evasive maneuvers (c.f. defeating DEMON surveillance based on ninja technique, defeating DEMON surveillance based on Sioux hunting technique, defeating JLA surveillance based on magic) sufficient to disappear into crowd and exit through staff or rear doors.
Travel on foot to nearest boutique of sufficient quality. Select a saleswoman that doesn’t look too haughty. Play clueless male (variation on Fop idiot 4), plead desperation, flash black American Express card, turn over sizes, and throw self on her mercy. Examine the two dozen items she brings you and select the least silly looking.
Rendezvous with Alfred again, create diversion as may be improvised on site given crowd, atmospheric conditions, and other variables which cannot be factored in advance, and store packages in car.

Show Alfred text message from Lois and send him to William Sonoma for whatever kitchen gizmo Clark wants.

Concludes Phase 1

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Tags: Batman, Bruce Wayne, Black Friday, Christmas Shopping, Protocol