High Heels and Low Lifes

As we said, Victor’s words had cut us deeply, mainly because it got the bad blood circulating again. He hadn’t meant to, the poor lovelorn ice cube, but he had. Happy go Lucky Harv was forced into an early retirement as Depressed Dent gloomily shuffled into his predecessor’s shoes.

Victor, however, was not the main reason we, Prince Hamlet of the Rogues Gallery, found ourselves in the darkest of depressions.

Selina has recently been the one that kept us afloat. Yes we sometimes fight like (ready your groan for the inevitable pun) cat and dog, but at the same time she is our closest friend and main confidante. She herself has experienced loneliness - indeed, she has been lonely most of her life. By helping each other we help ourselves.

And if we're perfectly honest, or more to the point one of us is, we can’t help but get a…kick out of being around her.

And in one fell swoop that was all gone.



She was very honest with us about Bruce. That is to say, we presume she had no idea just how jealous we were. Well, not jealous jealous, but most certainly jealous. That doesn’t make any sense does it. Sigh.

As usual, we have a couple of problems with expressing ourselves. One. We are crap at it. Two. There are two of us inside the same mind, neither of whom are very good at expressing themselves when it comes to women, so we are crap at it squared. We will give this one a shot as best we can though.

Bruce Wayne was a friend of ours many years ago. We are vaguely the same age (give or take), and as such we were bachelors together in the same swinging period. We forget how we got introduced to each other, but what we do know is that between us we had some pretty wild times and even wilder parties. Whatever you have heard about Bruce is more than likely true, and was equally so for us at that time. The two of us together were an unstoppable force.

But even then, one thing always ground away at the back of our mind.

He was always better. He always had the more attractive girlfriend, did the crazier stunts, and threw the better parties. Don’t get us wrong - we had our fair share of gorgeous women including of course the lovely Pamela Iseley - as we knew her then - but it seemed to us that he…always managed to out do us on that front. Maybe it was because of his money. We don’t know. Perhaps it’s a guy thing. It seems trivial now.

But this was what we felt surging through our veins. Red hot jealousy. For completely different reasons it must be said. Twoface always has wanted a crack at the whip. Apologies about the curtness. And handwriting. Fighting him for control. Lewd pussy joke. Mustn’t.

Right, that’s better. Where were we? Aah yes. I on the other hand felt a sense of loss. I am not stupid. I know what happens to people when they go into relationships. Generally speaking, friends are abandoned in favour of a partner, as we, in our bitter rage, were certain Selina would do. We thought we had lost her forever.

The déjà vu stung a little as well. He had done it again. And it hurt.

"Well, fair play to them both." We spat bitterly once we had got off the phone to Selina. We had been calling her to ask if she was going to come to the Karaoke evening this evening with the rest of us. We had pointed out to her, much to her amusement, that although we could do Sonny and Cher’s 'I got you babe' alone, we would prefer it, and look a little less silly, if she would join us. After the usual and expected polite decline, we had then got onto the subject of Bruce.

Exit Happy Go Lucky Harv Stage Right.

***************************************************************** "We are really not sure this is a good idea, Twoface."

"You're never sure of anything Harv, that’s why you have us to make decisions for you."

I snorted derisively.

"OK then smart ass, why not flip for it?"

"I think I will!"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah!"

I hate it when he talks me into doing things like that.

Damn him. The coin came up the way he wanted it.

We fetched the clip board, paper and pen whilst trying to block out his gloating about his own intelligence.

We sat down on our brown leather sofa, moving neon green cushions out of our way as we did so. Don’t tell us you expected anything less from our sofa? Furniture shopping is an absolute fucking nightmare when there’s two of you with such different tastes. Which didn’t bode at all well in regards to our current plight.

It could be worse though. Apparently, puce green couches are that particular furniture store’s main seller, usually to single young men.

We men really are a hopeless breed aren’t we? Anyone with a shred of common sense (in other words a woman over the age of eighteen or a man over the age of thirty) will tell you that a puce green couch in a bachelor pad is probably the most sure fire way of making sure one stays single as it shows a distinct lack of taste.

Which was yet another reason we were resolved to find ourselves a woman. We sat on the sofa, apologising to the High and Mighty for what we were about to unleash on the world, but also pointing out that it was solely Selina’s fault. Mainly. Sort of.

Almost scared of what would come out of our own hands, we picked up the clip board and attached the paper. Taking the pen with a shaking hand, we wrote at the top of the page, "Qualities of chicks *scribbled out* womanhood that get us hard *scribbled out* we find attractive."

We drew a line down the page now, noticing that Twoface was really getting into this project even at such an early stage. In the right hand column, we wrote the word Harv at the top. In the left, we found ourselves writing "The Dark Lord of Duplicity."

And they say Jack’s ego is out of control.

I went first. I wrote the following, each accompanied by a neat bullet point.

Although most definitely not a primary concern, good looks would be nice. Conventional thinking is not important in this aspect - so long as the woman concerned is attractive to me, then it doesn’t matter what others think. Including you Darth Duplicity.

Leading on nicely from that is personality. This is by far the main consideration for me. What is the point in seeing someone if you have little or nothing to talk about? A relationship based on looks alone is not a keeper. Especially as we don’t have any.

Sense of humour always has been a turn on for me. She should be able to make me laugh, and I should be able to make her laugh. The way to my half of the heart at least is a nice laugh and smile.

A love of great literature is a bonus although again not mandatory.

Acceptance of my…baggage is vital. WhO aRe YoU CaLLinG BaggAGe? *crossed out*

We then, fearing the worst, let him take control of the pen.

Coming to, five minutes later, we found the following scribbles awaiting our approval.

SwEEt Ass. PeACh iS GooD.

GrEaT TiTs.

SKIn tiGht leaTHeR anD WhIp iS BoNUs. OpEn MINdeD attItUde tO bONDagE Is esSenTIaL.

MusT bE wiLLinG to tAke PaRt iN aNd ActivElY enCourAGe ThreEsoMEs.

"Well, Twoface," we said, wincing at some of his cruder terminology, especially the obvious references to Selina, "It looks like we both know where the other stands now. Bearing all this in mind, tomorrow we go relationship hunting!"

"You mean bird watching?"

"Something like that."