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 A couple of problems presented themselves to us that night as we came closer to The Hijinx Playhouse.

One. We had Jack with us. He was a big enough handful when we organised that Rogue’s outing to go and see Rush Hour 2. Laughing incessantly, hissing the bad guy at the top of his lungs, and occasionally launching Jackie Chan style kung fu kicks into an ever so slightly put out Ventriloquist. We hated to imagine what mischief he would manage to get up to in a theatre, the pinnacle of respectability, and somewhere that we were pretty sure had not been Joker proofed.

Two. We had Jack with us. And he hadn’t even had the decency to come in disguise. We had come incogni-two. From what we had heard, Batman and his spandex loving colleagues featured pretty heavily in Selina’s act. By our calculations that meant he was bound to show up at some point - if only to stop her from turning their…relationship if you can call it that into a joke.

It’s unlikely, we thought, that he would find the show at all amusing. We wonder sometimes whether he is physically capable of smiling. He was probably born without those particular muscles. God knows he seems to have an over abundance in his arms - maybe he is trying to over compensate?

Jack and Batman aren’t exactly on each others Christmas card lists, so the very real possibility of us running into him worried us, even if it didn’t worry him. He claimed he had something up his sleeve, and knowing him we concluded that was most likely deadly and most definitely not good.

We stopped outside the doors that lead to the theatre foyer. To our horror, we saw a huge number of people milling about inside. Every variety of person was inside - it appeared Selina’s appeal was pretty universal. The cynical side of us chipped in at this point, pointing out to us that the men were here because they wanted her and the women were here because they wanted to be her. We also realised with a slight shudder of distaste that Cat-Tails was THE thing at the moment in Gotham’s fashion conscious circles- if you wanted to be seen then this is where you went. Which hardly allayed our fears.

We pulled Jack over to one side. He grabbed at the sides of his purple trench coat, presumably trying to conceal something from us. We didn’t register it at the time however - we were too busy stuffing his ticket into his hand and giving him one final lecture about behaving himself. He grinned at us, and boldly walked into the theatre. We shook our head in resignation and followed.

We walked a few paces behind him, presumably looking almost as noticeable in our long coat and wide hat as he did, but at least people shouldn’t notice who we really are we reasoned. The first few people to notice Jack, to our amazement, nodded politely to him. Some smiled appreciatively. Others nodded to him respectfully. He gave each of them delicate waves like he was the Queen of fricking England. We were seriously beginning to wonder if he had managed to put something in the air vents, when two beautiful young women then boldly walked up to him, and began openly flirting with him. We nearly broke our toe as our jaw dropped to the floor.

We walked up to him, and began listening to his conversation.

"Well, yes Ruth, I always have been a fan of The Joker, ever since the early days and that laughing fish incident. I laughed so hard when I found out about that my sides split and I had to go for a run to get a stitch before I spilled vital organs all over the carpet. Did you know that all of his material is totally original? You wouldn’t put a coin in your mouth would you, because you don’t know where its been. Well, he views humour with the same principal and never uses a joke that’s been used before."

The woman he had been speaking to, presumably called Ruth although you never could tell with Jack, nodded in happy wonder. She motioned her friend closer, and began whispering into her ear behind her hand, both of them occasionally glancing at Jack seductively, giggling. Her friend then spoke up, allure in her eyes.

"That’s a great costume by the way. My friend and I were just wondering whether your skin was that pale. . ." her eyes drifted downwards, "all over."

"Well," said Jack, beaming wide. Our head was swimming. We couldn’t actually believe our ears. Jack was a wanted criminal, a callous mass murderer, and an escaped convict. And here he was chatting up two young women who thought he was in costume?!

Jack was obviously not as mad as he appeared we thought ruefully. He must have realised that it would be human nature to assume that he was a man in a costume, perhaps even a Cat-Tails publicity stunt.

And then the realisation hit us.

The kind of person who would come and see this show obviously…likes (for want of a better word - perhaps you could argue they have an over romanticised view of? Some BS like that) the costumed villains, despite the terrible things we have done to this city over the years. These two women probably enjoyed The Joker’s jokes, probably even found him attractive in some kind of sick way. Never under estimate the screwed morals of an admirer, we thought with a shudder.

"And this," said Jack, grinning madly at us, making our stomach churn like a washing machine, "Is our good friend Harv. Take a bow Harv."

He punched us in the stomach. We bent forward instinctively (as if we were bowing, as he said) as his fist impacted and we groaned. The violent motion caused our hat to fly off, revealing our faces.

As we scrabbled to retrieve the hat, we heard a gasp. We looked up, startled, panicking. We needn’t have. The two women were now staring at us with doe eyes, smiling.

Surely not we thought. Surely fricking not.

"Wow! You came in costume too!" one of them said. "You came as. what’s his name…Two tone? Tutu?"

"I’m sure it’s got a two in it…" said the other one.

We snarled.

"Our name…uh, his name, is Twoface!"

Recollection flashed across their faces.

"That’s it!" one of them said, smiling at us. We glowered beneath our hat. Jack slapped us on the back, laughing heartily. We turned to him, and fixed him with a look of the purest hatred. Naturally it made him laugh even more.

"I’m off now you four. I always get the munchies at times like this. Look after my friend Harv ladies. He’s a little shy. Toodles."

He wandered off towards the refreshment booth, whistling a jaunty tune. We glared daggers at his back.

"So then. Harv," said Ruth, as Jack had called her, "Tell us a bit about yourself."

We sighed, still not sure if these two were for real.

"Well, I used to be an attorney ten or so years ago. But then I had something of a break down at work, and I left that job in favour of something…different. Now I’m into psychology, the study of duality in particular. Now, if you'll excuse me ladies, I must go and catch up with my friend. Nice talking to you!"

We smiled at each other. As soon as I had left them, the scowl returned to my face. Jack was causing havoc again. Apparently he had got into a debate with someone whilst standing in line for Pop Corn. We wouldn’t have thought you'd get Pop Corn at a place like this usually, but they seemed to be trying to appeal the unwashed masses as well as the art lovers.

"Well I think this whole Joker thing is in bad taste. I know who this Selina Kyle woman is meant to be, and I know that the real Catwoman is meant to be pregnant with The Joker’s baby or something, but even so…the man has killed hundreds of people and I’m not sure fan boys like you should be encouraging that."

Jack looked at the man incredulously.

"What? What? Are you mad? Are you stark staring bonkers? Are you out of your tree?" The Joker said disbelief in his voice. He paused theatrically.

"You think I…uh, he’s ONLY killed a couple of hundred people? THOUSANDS is more like it. You could use the tombstones as pebbles to cover the entire coast of Brobdingnag - which by the way is where the giants hang out in 'Gulliver’s Travels', in case you didn’t know. Oh my God - What’s that?!" Said Jack, pointing at the man’s chest. As the man looked down anxiously, Jack brought his finger up, lightly tapping him on the nose. "Gotcha! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" He said. He winked at the now furious man, snatched his Pop Corn from the anxious looking boy behind the counter, and walked over to us.

"Heya Tutu." He said, clapping us cheerfully on the back.

"Call us that again, and we rip your head off!" We snarled quietly.

"Sure thing Harv. But maybe you should consider switching to decaff."

Jack shrugged, and skipped over to the usher. We clenched our fists, and reluctantly followed.