The door opened. We raised a hand in a scolding motion, nagging teacher mode perfected whilst we were a lecturer at Harvard, and opened our mouth to begin the tirade. The hand was suddenly crushed against our side by a vision in purple whom had flung her arms around us for a hug.

"HARVEY! You came you big ol' dear!"

Catwoman. She stepped back, and beamed at us, genuinely pleased to see us. We began to feel a little bad about the purpose of our visit. We realised it would be prudent to get it over and done with, so we attempted to begin the lecture.

"Quite the colorful collection tonight, I assume Jack came with you, thanks so much, that cackle nearly broke my rhythm."

She hadn’t stopped smiling since we had come to the door. The words were gushing out like a bubbling brook, obviously still feeling the rush of the performance. She would later compare this rush as very similar to the one she receives after a particularly successful theft. We smiled apologetically, ready to tell her that we had done everything in our power not to bring Jack this evening and that our ear drums had very nearly gone the same way as her rhythm.

We didn’t get a chance.

"I take it he liked my Harley…gonna regret THAT one one of these days, I’m sure but what a crowd tonight! Wasn’t it wild?"

Wild? Selina, using the adjective 'wild'? She must be pumped up, we thought ruefully.

We really are a grammar snob aren’t we?

We looked at the woman we thought of as our kid sister, enjoying her company. In our mind, we could hear Twoface bawling at Harv about his sudden lack of vertebrae. Harv countered with the fact that the impression hadn’t been that bad…but her hypocrisy and her new status as sell out still burned us deeply.

Furrowing our brow we tried to speak of our concerns.

"Gordon, can you believe it Harv? You came on THE night that he was here. Jesus, not only did he come he plopped himself right down in the front row, can you believe it? No wonder he got shot, that shows all the strategic brilliance of…well let’s not go there. And just think, he pulled his little blunder on the night you and Jack were here, poor ass. Oh well, he’s not really the target after all. It’s that bitch at the Post."

We were beginning to wonder if she had found some new fangled method of breathing, because she certainly hadn’t stopped for breath during the time that we had been talking to her. In many respects, it was really very endearing. Here she was, babbling away like a schoolgirl, beaming all the while…it really did warm the colder recesses of our heart.

Besides, maybe the show was a method of therapy for her? By discussing her bizarre relationship with mean and moody perhaps she could make some sense of it all? After all, if she could bring herself to talk to strangers then maybe, just maybe, she might not go for the jugular (literally) when the inevitable was brought up at Rogue socials and maybe, just maybe, we won’t need to spend so much time in the future on our knees with rubber gloves and an apron on, scrubbing away at blood stained carpet.

We frowned. Selina had still sold her story - correction, our story, and that was an unforgiveable betrayal.

"I’m sorry to do this to you Harv, but would you mind being a dear and turning around for a second so as I can change into something more comfortable?" The naughty grin.

We feel we must now discuss the house of cards analogy. We are, or at least half of the time are, a perfect gentleman. However, it is the last syllable that we want to focus on. We are a man.

For this reason, when it comes to women, we are completely and utterly hopeless, as most men are around such a beautiful creature as Selina.

Monosyllabacy doesn’t appear to be a word according to our spell checker, but it should be as that is exactly what happens.

Essentially what the unfortunate female tends to witness is the devolution of man right back to prehistoric urges to say 'Ug' repeatedly whilst staring at the poor thing’s cleavage. The reason we call it a house of cards is that once the process is started there’s no going back - we completely crumble before their very eyes.

OK, so we (well half of us) have managed to convince ourselves that Selina is a sister, nothing more or less, but she still has a certain amount of power over us.

Picture the scene.

Catwoman has just asked you to turn around whilst she gets changed. What do you do? Addendum. Catwoman has asked you to do ANYTHING whilst she gets changed behind you - what do you do?

We turned around, uncomfortably shuffling to face the wall. Harv was pondering his own stunning capitulation as regards to telling Selina off. Twoface was a little more concerned with the stirring in our groin, and was mentally replaying every single one of Billy Bonds' homers in a desperate attempt to tame it.

"OK Harv, you can look now." They say that you can hear whether or not a person is smiling when they speak. Well, we're willing to bet both our bottom dollars that Selina was fixing the back of our head with the naughty grin as she said that.

She was looking at the ceiling innocently when we turned around again however. She was now dressed in a Cat-Tails sweatshirt, jeans and pumps. Despite her extremely casual appearance she was still stunningly beautiful.

"Oh and Harvey, Look at this lovely bouquet. Aren’t they beautiful? Young Justice sent it. Ironic really. The JLA didn’t sign theirs, even though it was blatantly obvious from the comments whom it was from. The kids have more intestinal fortitude than the adults - 'course they've been saying that for years haven’t they. Well, I've been going on and on at you Harv, and you've been such a darling to listen so patiently. What can I do for you then?"

"Hmm? OH! Right, sorry. We were a million miles away."

We paused. Now was the time. We finally had a chance to tell her how we felt, a soap box on which to state our case.

We didn’t even need to flip that infernal coin this time.

"We just wanted to tell you that we loved the show. It’s a real triumph and you should be very proud of yourself. We haven’t laughed so much in years."

A sudden recollection flashed through our mind. Jack!

"Selina, it was great to see you again my dear, but we are going to have to run." We said apologetically. "We think we left something in the oven, and it will burn if we don’t go get it out of there. . .You really must try and come out with the rest of us when we go bowling next week." All three of us knew she wouldn’t, but it was worth a try. We really are persistent to the end. "Oh well. You have shows the rest of this week don’t you? Well, break a leg as you thespian types say!"

"Nice chatting to you again Harv. See you soon."

She smiled at us.

I, Harvey Dent, smiled back.

Fin.

Twofaced Tales will return in 'High Heels and Low Lifes'.