“Batman?”
The caped figure
continued to stare silently at the horizon. He didn’t turn, he didn’t
speak, he didn’t even grunt. Most people would assume he hadn’t heard. Robin and Nightwing would know that he had, and would assume the lack of
response meant he was ignoring them. His teammates in the Justice League
would know he had heard too, and they would either take it as a personal
insult, because the arrogant Bat was such an elitist shithead that he didn’t
think anyone could possibly have anything to say that he didn’t already
know, or they would just shrug. Only Catwoman understood the particular
gradients of a Bat-silence. That particular one meant he had heard (a
given), knew the subject she was about to introduce (always likely), and
also that he had been wondering when she was going to get around to it. The
lack of a “back off” signal meant that now was as good a time as any and she
was free to continue.
“You do realize that this
insane scheme of yours forfeits your right to any future proclamations about
the Rogue intellect and the screwy perceptions of the criminal mind or the
crazy plots they cook up in order—”
“First, this isn’t a
scheme.”
“You don’t imagine
calling it a protocol will make it any less screwy, do you?”
“It’s not a protocol.
It’s not a scheme. It is merely seeking out the individual best qualified
to reach Harvey and persuading her to help us.”
“And if that person was
Lucius Fox or Claudia Muffington or Eddie or even that two-crazy Dr. Yarling, I’d be right there with you, Handsome. But Ivy? There is no way
you can involve that woman without the words ‘screwy scheme’ entering into
the conversation.”
Batman looked out at the
horizon towards Robinson Park, and then back down at the Flick Theatre, the
former Two-Face hideout that now housed the Vault nightclub. The doors
opened, and several groups exited at once: Catman with a groupie. Hugo
Strange alone. Kiteman and Mad Hatter with two groupies dressed alike in
Riddler-themed costumes and matching wigs, like a pair of question mark
twins. A DEMON minion followed that group (obviously one of the
intelligence-seeking minions, not those who ventured into the Iceberg for
un-DEMON-sanctioned recreation). Several Ghost Dragons brought up the rear
with a very drunk Scarecrow henchman.
“Last call,” Batman
graveled. “The big exodus is starting now. In half an hour, Sly will start
ejecting the stragglers. I want to stay until the staff leaves, but you can
head home if you want. Get some sleep for tomorrow.”
“No, I’ll stay,” came the
instantaneous reply.
“Selina, he’s not going
to hit the club tonight. He needs time to assemble his forces. Men and
weapons if it’s to be a full out assault, or else—”
“If he’s not hitting it
tonight, then why are we here? Hm?”
“In case.”
“That’s what I thought.
‘In case.’ That’s why you’re here. That’s why I’m here. That’s why you’re
staying until the last employee has left, and that’s why I’m—”
“Being an utterly
impossible woman,” Batman grumbled under his breath.
“Love you too, meow,” she
replied crisply.
Below, a dark stretch
limousine pulled silently up to the curb just as King Snake left with an
entourage of more Ghost Dragons. All but one followed their leader into the
car. The one who had lagged behind (just a little too casually to Batman’s
eye) now looked around suspiciously, first up and down the street, and then
up at the rooftops. Batman took a step back from the edge of the roof to
avoid any cape movement giving him away, while the Dragon drifted carelessly
(again, it was a bit too carelessly) towards a side door. He opened
it… and the waitress Peahen emerged, ending the mini-drama and confirming
the detective’s maxim that the simplest explanations are often the most
likely. The two of them walked off together, the bar regular placing his
hand on the cocktail waitress’s backside as they disappeared together down
the street… and Batman grunted.
The simplest explanation
is always the most likely.
Yet he had devised the
most improbable theories to convince himself the new Two-Face was anyone
other than Harvey Dent.
“How’s the arm,” he asked
Catwoman abruptly.
“A little stiff. I’m
just lucky it’s not my whip arm.”
“You’re lucky about more
than that. You should go home. Rest it. Take a painkiller. Get some
sleep. The morning is going to be… challenging.”
“Yeah, it is. I think
I’ll save the thought of a pain pill for after we’ve seen Poison Ivy.”
Garden apartments are the
most coveted dwellings in Gotham City, and the terrace of the Wayne
Penthouse, which stretched across a full two faces of the building, was
graced with a magnificent assortment of potted trees, shrubs, and flowers,
creating a private park of unrivaled beauty. From a distance, Selina
appeared to be a picture of contentment as she made the rounds from one
terracotta planter to the next. Someone watching from the nearby Moxton
Tower, for example, would see only the antique copper watering can in her
hand, and her scrutinizing each plant she came to, judging if it appeared
healthy or needed a drink. If that someone had binoculars, they would even
see her lips moving as if she was talking to the plants as she made her
rounds.
Of course, if, in
addition to binoculars, the someone also had a radio receiver in his cowl
and was, in fact, the party being addressed through the microphone Selina
wore, a very different picture would emerge:
..::Not like there’s
any shortage of crazy in this business, but inviting Queen Chlorophyll over
for breakfast, for Bast’s sake.::..
“You said yourself she’s
a morning person,” Batman answered. “Plants and sunlight, remember?”
..::I also said that I
could go to her lair like before. I thought the one subject where we were
in complete agreement was that Poison Ivy should be kept as far from
Wayne-Anything as humanly possible. You don’t want her anywhere near the
caves, and I don’t want her anywhere near the gardens, not at the manor and
not up here. You remember the last time she came to the penthouse?::..
“Yes, and I want her
to remember. I want to tap into those feelings of abandonment that led her
to come after Bruce Wayne in the first place. I want her subliminally
reminded at every turn. She was desperate, she was lonely, and she was
fixating on you as a symbol of what she wanted and didn’t have. All of that
works in our favor.”
..::You know, normally
I just love it when you’re a heartless, manipulative bastard, but I fail to
see how her envying me gets us anywhere.::..
“Because you can’t do
this, only she can. You have to ask her for help. If her positive feelings
for Harvey aren’t enough, maybe her negative ones for you will help it
along.”
..::Why do I have a
feeling the next thirty minutes are going to top the knife twisting in my
arm for the shittiest part of this adventure.::..
“I think we both know
what the ‘shittiest’ part of this is.”
..:: … ::..
“…”
..::Yeah.::..
“Did you get any
sleep last night?”
..::No. You?::..
“…”
..::Batman?::..
“Stand by. There’s a
green cab pulling into Wayne Plaza.”
..::Sounds like
showtime.::..
“… Negative. It’s a man
getting out. False alarm.”
..::Figures.
Goddesses seldom arrive early.::..
“Just as well. Gives us
a chance to review the plan one last time. The key to persuading a
personality like Isley’s—”
..::Hey, Sensei, may I
remind you that my people were singing The Ballad of Humoring Pamela back
when your crowd thought it was as simple as ‘plant woman enslaves men with
pheromones?’::..
“The key to persuading a
personality like Isley’s is making her see it’s in her best interests, not
his or ours. Appeal to her self-love, her desire for personal
gratification, the need to be the center of the drama.”
..::In other words,
tell her the truth. She is the only one who has an intimate connection with
both Harvey and Two-Face, before the acid and after. She is the woman for
the job. It’s not a subtle point of ‘rogue psychology’; it’s the simple
fact. That really isn’t the stumbling point, in my opinion.::..
“And what, in your
opinion—”
..::She might think
the new guy is an improvement.::..
“…”
..::She’s had all
Harvey. She’s had half-and-half. She might think all Two-Face and no Harv
is the cat’s me—::..
“Stand by. Another cab…
A woman getting out this time, wide brim hat… red hair, long raincoat…”
..::Then it’s five
minutes to curtain. Funny, I remember this moment being more fun.::..
Batman listened intently
as the private elevator made its ascent. He listened to the discreet ping
as the doors opened, and the strained “good mornings” the women exchanged on
their way out to the terrace. Predictably, Ivy didn’t comment on Selina’s
bandaged arm. It would have been the obvious social gesture with anyone
else. It would have provided a natural, easy opening for the delicate
subject that had to be introduced. But Pamela Isley was not anyone else.
It was doubtful she even noticed a detail so wholly unconnected with
herself.
She did scan all the
greenery the moment she stepped onto the terrace, just as Selina predicted.
If there had been any cut flowers or wilted leaves, she certainly would have
commented. As it was, she merely looked them over and then turned her
attention to the breakfast.
“I see we’re consuming
all manner of slaughtered wheat, fruit, and coffee beans this morning,” she
said, sitting and crossing her legs regally.
“Unless you'd prefer
murdered tea leaves,” Selina said sweetly, handing her a plate to help
herself. Following her eyes to the basket of breakfast breads, she added
wickedly “The dearly departed in bagel form are from Pola’s, and the scones
and danish are from Brez Bakery.”
Batman was amused to see
that even Poison Ivy was Gothamite enough to take a Pola’s bagel onto her
plate. Once the coffee was poured, and the obvious small talk about the
weather and the view had exhausted itself, Selina cleared her throat.
“I know you’ve been
looking for Harvey,” she said bluntly.
“What if I have,” came
the too careless reply. “If I decide to look up an old friend after our
last meeting, I can’t see where it’s any of your business, Catty.”
“Pamela, I asked you over
today. I invited you into my home, and I clearly went to two different
bakeries to put this spread together for you. So does this sound like an
unpleasant, talk-to-the-claw confrontation, or does it sound like a
friendly, well-meaning chat?”
“Your home? How
you do rub it in, Catty. Reminding me that you have the biggest tree in the
forest providing you with all this green and shade for the asking, when the
best I could procure from him was a lousy Whitman Sampler.”
“I certainly wasn’t going
to go there, Pammy, but since you brought it up, fine. Let’s talk
about the difference between a man who’s been greened and the one who
chooses to be with you of his own free will. You’ve been looking for
Harvey. Could we please dispense with all the passive-aggressive
bullshit where you pretend it’s all the same to you if they want to be with
you or just have a noseful of pollen and can’t even—oh hell, is that a
cape?!”
Ivy scrutinized the
horizon where Selina was pointing, a full 120 degrees from the rooftop where
Batman was really lurking. She saw nothing and said so. The women sat down
again, and after a minute of silent munching, the conversation resumed.
“Very well. I will
concede that I have been looking for Harvey, just to get back in touch, mind
you. It has been a few months, and I thought it would be nice to see how
he’s getting along. Although I still can’t see why that concerns you,
Catty.”
“Because you didn’t find
him and I did,” Selina said gently. “Pam, I saw him yesterday. He gave me
this.” She pointed to the bandage high on her left arm, and left the
implication unspoken.
“No. No, that’s
ridiculous,” Ivy said dismissively.
“It was a lot of things,
‘ridiculous’ is not one of them. Pam, what I saw was Two-Face, all
Two-Face. The scars are back, and the manner was… He wasn’t ‘of two minds,’
as he used to say.”
“What do you mean?” Ivy
asked, knowing perfectly well what was meant.
“I mean, all ‘Darth
Duplicity.’ No Harvey. No Harvey at all, do you understand? Harvey Dent
has left the building.”
“…”
“Pam?”
“…”
“Pamela?”
“…”
“Ivy? Earth to Poison—”
“I hear you just fine,
Catty. Don’t go on so. I believe there is a cape blowing in the
wind over there, now that I give it a closer look. You should go over and,
and scrutinize it or something. Make sure that awful Bat isn’t about to
swing in and interrupt our lovely little breakfast.”
The voice trilled
erratically as she spoke, the kind of charged build that, in any other
woman, hints at a flood of tears ready to pour forth and only being held
back by the hysterical application of pride, will, and bluff. In Ivy’s
case… it might well mean the same thing, and Selina wasn’t about to take
chances. Obediently, she went to the edge of the terrace and stared into
space. She knew she was looking in nearly the opposite direction from
Batman’s real position on the Moxton roof, but she also knew he was
listening and watching. She would have given anything to be able to see
what he was seeing behind her, and to know what he was thinking.
Over the next thirty
minutes, Selina would reflect that there is a very good reason “cat and
mouse” is the classic contest. Not, say, “cat and plant.” There were
certainly timeless paradigms to be studied in the cat when she had a proper
foil, but with plants… Oh hell, the truth was dealing with Poison Ivy was
too exhausting to work up a decent cat metaphor. She fought down the urge
to hiss, and tried, yet again, to introduce the pertinent facts.
“Pammy, I know you and
Two-Face didn’t have the easiest relationship, but it does seem like every time
you broke up, however ugly it was, you always got back together. There must
have been something you kept going back for, right?”
“Well, Two-Face was a
perfectly vile specimen of the male animal. That predisposition to, you
know, think with the penis. All bluster and bravado to glorify their
inadequacies.” She sighed pityingly before explaining. “Rather than grace
them with the ability to create life, they were given only a sad little flap
of extra flesh. Rather than admit Nature, in her infinite wisdom, gave them
the short end of the stick—”
“So to speak,” Selina
interrupted with a naughty grin… but Ivy ignored her.
“—they build their entire
civilization around swords, skyscrapers, and utility belts. It’s really
quite telling.”
Selina scratched her
nose, positioning her hand carefully to block the Moxton Tower’s view of
her lower face.
“Yes, okay, men as a
species, right ho. But about Harvey.”
Ivy sighed again, this
time without the pity.
“Harvey had his moments
when he was… not entirely unappealing. He was very confident, probably just
because he was so good-looking, you know, before… He was terribly
handsome. Catty. And you know how it is when they look like movie stars. A
few easy successes early on, they develop such egos. But, still, that
self-assurance is rather… I wouldn’t want to use the word ‘sexy’ but… well,
anyway, why dwell on it.”
“Why indeed. You like
him, Pamela. You like him so much that it trumps the fact that he’s a man.
Someone you care about is in serious trouble, and you’re probably the only
person in the world that knows the real Harvey, before the acid and after,
to be able to reach him right now. That’s why it’s worth talking about.”
“Oh come now, Catty.
Harvey and I may have… visited each other’s lairs on occasion… overnight…
but we were certainly never friends. You’re the one he doted on like some
revolting little sister and—”
Selina pointed to her
arm.
“I’m the one he
stabbed, Pammy. Obviously, when he greets me with a knife in the arm,
it’s a pretty good sign that I’m not the one he needs to see. You’re his
best hope. Maybe his only hope. Honestly, if you don’t care enough to roll
up your sleeves and do whatever it takes to get through to him, I don’t
think we have much chance of getting him back.”
“…”
“Pammy?”
“…”
“Oh come on, Pammy, we’re
not going to do this again, are we?”
“Selina,” she began,
biting her lip thoughtfully as she fought the impulse to make a terrible
confession. “You wouldn’t have any way of knowing this, but after we had
split and after his face was healed, Harvey came to see me one night at my
lair. He told me that he only took up with me after the acid because…
because ‘Darth’ got off on it. Making the woman who once tried to kill
Harvey the District Attorney cry out his name in the throes of a screaming—”
“Too much information,
Pam!”
“Ahem, yes… well… you get
the picture. It was just Two-Face’s sadistic idea of fun. There was no
affection—”
“Pammy?”
“Certainly not on
Harvey’s side—”
“Pammy!”
“…”
“Harvey was
‘Darth.’ Darth was a part of Harvey. He never thought of it that way,
because he couldn’t. He had to hide it from himself, the dark impulses he
had. He had to rationalize it, dressing it up in a “Darth Duality” costume. But every single time Two-Face came back to you, it was because a piece of
Harvey wanted to. It was Harvey coming back, no matter how he
explained it, to himself or to you. It was the real Harvey, the whole one
you knew before the acid. That guy.”
“The ‘Dentmeister,’” she
said with a wistful smile.
At that moment, the
shadow of a Bat-grapnel passed over the table between them. Both women
looked equally piqued as it clamped onto the mount for a security camera
over the terrace, trailing a thin filament of Batline behind it.
“That’s just what we
need,” Selina muttered, as Batman swung onto the terrace.
He had landed some
distance away, where it was doubtful he could hear. But all Rogues of
Poison Ivy’s stature knew he could read lips. Hers curled into a wicked
smile as she murmured:
“And he’s out in
daylight. I don’t suppose we can hope he’ll spontaneously combust in the
sunlight, like Dracula in those old movies. Leave you with a nice little
pile of Bat-ash, it would make wonderful fertilizer for that plum tree.”
Both women smiled and
giggled, giving the impression of a knowing, girlish conspiracy.
“Catwoman, a word in your
ear,” Batman announced, just loud enough to be heard.
Selina got up with a
smile that rivaled Ivy’s for wicked mischief.
“Nice to see he’s shined
the belt for the occasion,” she whispered, and Ivy’s discreet giggle gave
way to a strident guffaw.
Selina approached him
with more hipsway than she normally indulged in without the costume.
When she was close enough
to be addressed, Batman spoke just loud enough that perhaps one word in
three could be heard by someone seated as far away as Ivy was—assuming she
was listening intently.
“I went to great lengths
to keep Two-Face’s appearance at the hospital out of the news,” he said
sternly. “There were no witnesses other than the doctor and the paramedic
he knocked out when he stole the ambulance. They’ve both agreed to keep it
quiet. I want you to do the same.”
“I wasn’t planning on
holding a press conference,” Selina said acidly.
Batman very clearly
glanced over at Ivy, and then looked back at her.
“Oh no?”
“Yes, I am telling
Pamela, that is none of your concern.”
“None of my—Ivy?! Ivy,
the psychotically self-absorbed?! You’re damn right it’s my concern,
Catwoman. Of all the worst possible people to open up to—a woman who
doesn’t have an iota of concern for anyone other than herself, least of all
Har—”
“OH, YES I DO!” Ivy
shouted, jumping to her feet.
She marched fiercely
across the terrace and poked Batman squarely in the chest as she continued:
“And what a typical man!
WHAT a TYPICAL… MAN! As if you know anything at all about my feelings or
any woman’s. I am VERY FOND of Harvey Dent. VERY fond. And he is quite
fond of me, I’ll have you know, you, you caped… weed! Two-Face is a
part of Harvey Dent. And he came back to me, time after time, every time we
broke up, back he came. That means it was his choice. Harvey’s. The real
Harvey. He wanted to come back to me and he did. So there.”
Batman did nothing more
than take a breath prior to responding, when she began again.
“And another thing! I
know him better than any of you. I’m probably the only person in the world
that knows the real Harvey Dent, before the acid and after. I’m the one who
can reach him right now. I’m his best hope. And when someone I care about
is in serious trouble, I am going to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!”
Once again, before Batman
could do more than open his mouth to reply, Ivy poked him in the chest and
resumed.
“The very last thing that
poor, troubled man needs right now is you and your snarling interference. I
will deal with this. So there.”
This time, Batman waited.
This time, Ivy didn’t
speak.
This time, the moment
held.
Eyes locked. Eyes
narrowed. Eyes glared.
An inventive observer
might imagine they heard the whippoorwill from a Clint Eastwood Western.
Realizing that someone
would have to speak eventually, Selina cleared her throat.
“Pamela, um, I’m not
happy to be taking Batman’s side here, but think about it. You can’t green
him. We need Harvey back, not just his dick.”
“I am perfectly capable
of reaching him without resorting to pheromones,” Ivy said crisply.
Selina looked at Batman.
“I am!” Ivy insisted.
Batman looked at Selina.
“I AM!” Ivy repeated.
“Well… not like we’ve got
anything to lose by trying,” Selina admitted.
“A sad commentary on our
circumstances,” Batman declared.
“I’ll show you both,” Ivy
decreed. “I am going to find Harvey Dent. I am going to reach him as only
I can, and so help me, I am going to return him to Gotham City in better
condition than he has ever been!”
To be continued…
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